Why So Smear-ious?

Time flies doesn’t it?
I mean one minute you’re going to school with your skirt folded over itself like fifteen times so that it doesn’t reach your knees and you’re wearing footless tights (because hahahah who actually wore leggings back then) and your eyes are covered in ALL the Barry M dazzle dust, and then the next minute you’re driving home from work in your grown up car (lulz – I drive a bright green Lupo) beaming from ear-to-ear because you finally got yourself that career you wanted.

And then you walk through the door and you see post that isn’t a bill and think “Amagad, who wrote me a letter!?” and then you realise that it was the NHS and it’s time to call your GP and book yourself in for a smear test, and it suddenly dawns on you that you’re a grown-up now. You’re a grown up who needs to make sure that her lady cells are all healthy and whatnot. Which is fine, because we all want our cells to be healthy right? RIGHT! But then you remember that this means going to your Dr’s and getting your vagina out so they can take those cervix cells. Which when you’ve grown up all in England all awkward and stuff, makes you feel a bit prudish. Because let’s face it, vaginas don’t tend to see a lot of sunlight.

Sidenote: I never thought there would be a day where I talked about vaginas online, yet alone my own vagina, but I think it’s important that we do because it is SO unbelievably important to go and get your V-A-G  M-O-T’d and check that everything is hunky dory down under.

Smear tests weren’t something that was mentioned regularly when I was a teenager.
My mum mentioned it briefly, my mum’s friend who was a nurse mentioned it briefly, and school? Well school was useless because their sex education and healthcare lessons were pretty much about putting a condom on a banana and the weird film your nose grows if you swim regularly when you’re a baby. There wasn’t much about your cervix, or the rest of your insides. There was just this blasé attitude surrounding it. But then Jade Goody happened and you realised that people mentioning it just briefly are the problem, because people only pay brief attention to the subject and then forget about it just as quickly. I mean I’m one of them. If it weren’t for my V-A-G  M-O-T invitation I would have forgotten to book it too. Because hey. Cervical cancer only kills around 750 people in England each year so no biggie right?

But it is a biggy, because 750 people is 750 people too many, and of those 750 people there were many which, were they screened regularly, could have been prevented. Around 75% according to the ol’ leaflet I keep reading.
What the leaflet doesn’t tell me, however, is about etiquette.
I mean it tells me about my cervix and that smear tests aren’t cancer tests but a test to see how your ol’ cervix cells are doing now that you’re (almost) a quarter of a century old. The leaflet tells me about HPV and how this symptomless virus sometimes clears up itself but it can also sometimes lead to cancer and it tells me that the smear test is optional. Which whilst YAY for not pressuring people into things, I do think there should be a bit more of an emphasis on its importance considering it could save your lady life.

But whilst it goes without saying that I’ll be taking my V-A-G to get its M-O-T it doesn’t really mention the etiquette for speaking to the person that’s getting all up in my lady business.
I mean do I ignore them? Or make a godawful joke about them buying me dinner first?
Do I wax? Or should I go au natural and shave in the words “Well this is awkward”?
There is literally nothing to brace me for how to act around my cervix cell inspector.

There’s like 4% of me that’s convinced I’m probably dying because the leaflet says that HPV is symptomless so how’s a girl to know if she’s got it or not, but I’m pretty hopeful that everything’s ok.

In the meantime if any of you could hit me up with some advice it would be much appreciated, because I’m a little lot nervous and I really don’t know what to expect.

Love you.
Mean it.


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Have you ever had a smear test?
Are you due one? Any advice?
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