Change

Should I Quit My Job © www.toothbrushtravels.com
 
Not so long ago I wrote this post.
At the time of writing it I felt burnt out, uninspired and a little bit stuck.
Stuck between knowing that working so many unsociable hours was bad for my emotional well being, but hesitant to change it because I also knew that each day that I worked brought me closer to meeting my travel fund financial target.
 
The problem wasn’t the long hours; long hours I can manage when it’s doing something I love.
Seriously.
You don’t even need to know how long I can spend practicing headstands, reading, taking photographs or writing blog posts. But when you love what you do you can spend forever doing it and not bat an eyelid, because you enjoy (almost) every moment.
 
But lately I’ve been having an ongoing “what the hell am I doing with my life?” moment.
As you all know I’m saving ready to travel again in 2016, but that’s a whole year away, and whilst I’m tucking away a good chunk of money each month ready to achieve the above goal, I feel like I’m wasting a whole year whilst doing it. After all, I came home to spend time with my friends and family and lately I barely catch a chance to see them.
 
I’ve been hesitant to leave my job, because although the long hours suck, the long hours were necessary and beneficial. The long hours paid off the debt I had accumulated from moving back to England. The long hours enabled me to go out and dine amongst friends. The long hours kept me away from my fear of becoming poor. The long hours got me closer to travelling the world.
But of all the wonderful things that the long hours have enabled me to do, they’ve come at the cost of myself.
 
I no longer have the energy to be the person I know I am, because I’m too tired.
Too tired to wake up early.
Too tired to get out and explore all of the places in England that I want to see.
And I broke my heart a little when I realised that I’d started to become too tired to care.
 
It’s a difficult time when you realise that you’re stuck between short and long term happiness.
Especially when you realise that you’ve temporarily turned into the very person you never wanted to be; someone who lives to work… Which is why I’ve decided to make a change and hand in my resignation at work. I know this may not seem like a big deal or ‘blog-worthy’ news, after all people gain and leave employment all the time. But truth be told?
 
I’m fucking terrified!
 
When I returned to England it took me three and a half months to find a job.
Three.
And.
A.
Half.
Months!
 
It’s taken me until now to be able to admit it. It was something I hadn’t really spoken about before because it knocked my confidence more than I wish it had. I was bitter because in Thailand I had the career I wanted. I was freelance writing, working as a social media manager and teaching part time when I needed to boost the funds. It took me a short (long) while to get over it because I was naive enough to think that moving country wouldn’t change anything. I held on to the fact that people were paying me to write and forgot that different countries have different audiences, and so it was a blow when when I got back and not only did my little freelance writing bubble burst, but nobody wanted to hire me in any other industry. It was the first time I had been unemployable, and the first time I had to rely on S for financial support. Which hurt. As an independent woman who has earnt her own money since she was 15, it really really hurt. S didn’t care, he’s a total babe and I know he will always support me whether it’s emotional or financial, but it still felt like a shotgun to my fragile self-esteem. I wallowed in rejection emails and never went out because I couldn’t bare to spend a penny that didn’t belong to me. I’d hit a low, and when I got this job I was excited by the freedom it returned to me. But I got addicted to the freedom that having money can bring, and threw myself into the challenge of a new job. I worked hard and got promoted, but that only meant more hours, and then I found myself writing this post and I realised how far I had drifted from myself.
 
But now that I’m in a place where I’m debt free (and I have savings for the first time ever – look at me getting all grown up and stuff you guys!) I realised that if you can’t earn money doing what you love, you should find a job that supports it. So whilst I’m terrified that I may not find a job immediately, and that our travel plans may be set back a month or two, I’ve decided that the risk and uncertainty is worth it…
 
I hope.