As I sit here writing this I’m laying on my bed cocooned in a duvet burrito and a feeling of utter bliss.
There will be no pictures of that because with the exception of all the fucking swearing I do, this is a (relatively) family friendly blog, but the reason for those happy feelings of contentedness is not because this blanket I am cocooned in is the fluffiest and cosiest thing ever, but because for the first time in what feels like forever
I know what I want.
Yes you read that right.
I, Amy Morgan, know what I want.
My high-school careers teacher would be so proud right now.
Now to some people this may not seem like a big deal but the truth is that I’m pretty much the Queen of indecisiveness. If you’ve ever gone out for dinner with me you’ll already be familiar with my eating style; either eat everything on the menu or get the waiter to choose.
The reason? I’m hungry.
The real reason? I can’t decide on what I want so I’ll either eat everything in sight or make somebody else pick for me so I can avoid deciding.
I lived that way for a while; drifting along waiting for something to point out which direction I should go, never really choosing my own way out of fear that it will all go tits up. So instead I just fell into everything.
I fell into jobs and careers and some of them were great. But I also fell into a bit of a rut, and that rut was kind of like being sat in a boat drifting along a river where you can see another path, a path that’s full of highs and lows and adventure, but you can’t see where it ends up so you don’t know if it’s safe to travel along. And so instead of risking it and finding out there and then, you just sit and wait hoping that eventually your boat will drift that way or someday you’ll feel brave enough to jump ship and change course. And 2016 was the year that I realised things go a hell of a lot quicker if you push yourself in the direction you want to go in, so I started doing that in small doses. I went on the trips I wanted to, even if it made me anxious, I said no to those I had no interest in without feeling guilty and I embarked on a new career. I studied (and passed with good grades!) my Marketing course and I got my dream Marketing job role.
Yet even though I go to work smiling most days it still doesn’t feel like enough.
How can you have everything you wanted and it still not feel enough?
Easy. By realising that it’s not really what you wanted.
I used to think that my constant desire for more was that I was greedy, or never happy but now I realise that it’s not that at all, it’s because I’m not fulfilled. And it wasn’t until I sat cocooned in a duvet burrito one particularly rainy night filling a notebook from cover to cover to with plans and ideas, that a feeling of utter content washed over me and I realised what it was that fulfilled my soul.
And now I know.
I know that what I really want is my own business.
I want to be my own boss and have the flexibility to pursue my own ideas. I want to invest blood sweat and tears into something which benefits me directly. I want to be able to develop my own voice and to take chances. I want to work on my site full time. I want to blog about my days and design through the night. I want to actually get my shop up and running and share the things I’ve created with all of you instead of just looking at the Photoshop files thinking “soon”. I want to ship my creations out for people to hang proudly or to fill with memories and not drown myself worrying that they’re not good enough, but applaud myself for actually doing it.
Even if I do want to add a sarcastic *finally* in there.
My employer has a saying: “Production then perfection” and I never really understood it, because I like to get things “just right” before they’re released, but now I see. I understand that it’s easier to tweak and change something when it’s actually done and there in front of you, instead of trying to create something perfect from the offset and never actually progressing with it, and I’m ready for that now.
I’m ready to stop doubting myself and start trusting that I’ll make the right decisions.
And if not?
Well somebody once told me that it’s better to try and fail then to never try at all.
So I guess it’s time to start trying.