Focus

As I sit here writing this I’m laying on my bed cocooned in a duvet burrito and a feeling of utter bliss.
There will be no pictures of that because with the exception of all the fucking swearing I do, this is a (relatively) family friendly blog, but the reason for those happy feelings of contentedness is not because this blanket I am cocooned in is the fluffiest and cosiest thing ever, but because for the first time in what feels like forever
I know what I want.

Yes you read that right.
I, Amy Morgan, know what I want.
My high-school careers teacher would be so proud right now.

Now to some people this may not seem like a big deal but the truth is that I’m pretty much the Queen of indecisiveness. If you’ve ever gone out for dinner with me you’ll already be familiar with my eating style; either eat everything on the menu or get the waiter to choose.
The reason? I’m hungry.
The real reason? I can’t decide on what I want so I’ll either eat everything in sight or make somebody else pick for me so I can avoid deciding.

I lived that way for a while; drifting along waiting for something to point out which direction I should go, never really choosing my own way out of fear that it will all go tits up. So instead I just fell into everything.
I fell into jobs and careers and some of them were great. But I also fell into a bit of a rut, and that rut was kind of like being sat in a boat drifting along a river where you can see another path, a path that’s full of highs and lows and adventure, but you can’t see where it ends up so you don’t know if it’s safe to travel along. And so instead of risking it and finding out there and then, you just sit and wait hoping that eventually your boat will drift that way or someday you’ll feel brave enough to jump ship and change course. And 2016 was the year that I realised things go a hell of a lot quicker if you push yourself in the direction you want to go in, so I started doing that in small doses. I went on the trips I wanted to, even if it made me anxious, I said no to those I had no interest in without feeling guilty and I embarked on a new career. I studied (and passed with good grades!) my Marketing course and I got my dream Marketing job role.

Yet even though I go to work smiling most days it still doesn’t feel like enough.
How can you have everything you wanted and it still not feel enough?
Easy. By realising that it’s not really what you wanted.
I used to think that my constant desire for more was that I was greedy, or never happy but now I realise that it’s not that at all, it’s because I’m not fulfilled. And it wasn’t until I sat cocooned in a duvet burrito one particularly rainy night filling a notebook from cover to cover to with plans and ideas, that a feeling of utter content washed over me and I realised what it was that fulfilled my soul.
And now I know.
I know that what I really want is my own business.

I want to be my own boss and have the flexibility to pursue my own ideas. I want to invest blood sweat and tears into something which benefits me directly. I want to be able to develop my own voice and to take chances. I want to work on my site full time. I want to blog about my days and design through the night. I want to actually get my shop up and running and share the things I’ve created with all of you instead of just looking at the Photoshop files thinking “soon”. I want to ship my creations out for people to hang proudly or to fill with memories and not drown myself worrying that they’re not good enough, but applaud myself for actually doing it.
Even if I do want to add a sarcastic *finally* in there.

My employer has a saying: “Production then perfection” and I never really understood it, because I like to get things “just right” before they’re released, but now I see. I understand that it’s easier to tweak and change something when it’s actually done and there in front of you, instead of trying to create something perfect from the offset and never actually progressing with it, and I’m ready for that now.
I’m ready to stop doubting myself and start trusting that I’ll make the right decisions.
And if not?
Well somebody once told me that it’s better to try and fail then to never try at all.
So I guess it’s time to start trying.

  • theCuriousPixie

    Such a positive post Amy! It’s great when you finally make that decision in your head. Now its just a matter of putting it into action. Good luck lovely x

  • Michaele

    It makes me so happy to read that you found yourself! That’s just amazing… I can feel how cinfident and happy you are about finding what you really want. And trust me, I know it’s hard 🙂

    • Yup! Known who I am for a while now, but it’s nice to finally know what I want to do career wise too! x

  • A truly inspiring post! I felt just the same about my career too. I am a primary teacher and love teaching but it just wasn’t enough – so not I have got myself a teaching job at an international school so I can travel, explore, write and teach 🙂 You’re inspiring people and your photography inspires me to explore and travel so thank you!

    • Thanks for the lovely words Katie. Work/Life balance is so incredibly important and I’m so happy to read you were able to find somewhere where you could balance the two! x

  • Katja Knox

    I wish I knew what I want to do with my life – but I really don’t 😀 So I’ve just decided to do a lot of things that I like doing until I figure it out. But I’m really happy for you hun ❤️❤️
    Katja xxx
    http://www.katnapped.com

    • That’s the best way Katja! I’ve had (what feels like) a million different jobs and whilst they don’t always lead you down the path you imagined you’d be on, there are skills to be learnt within every opportunity. Sometimes we fall into the things we end up loving x

  • Kaleigh Bulone

    YOU GO GIRL. One of the amazing things about feeling the way you do/did is that a LOT of people are in the same exact boat. Im so glad youre finding your passion and calling and doing what makes you happy!

    • Yup! Very much so. Feels good to finally have answers to the questions I’ve spent so long seeking! x

  • Guray

    Hi, i am the new blogger, and now in holiday @bangkok, And ur site very very good

    • Have a lovely holiday Guray!
      I’ve got multiple posts on Bangkok so if you need any inspiration just head to Destinations and click Thailand on the map!

  • YES YES YES!! I say bring on 2017 🙂